Mr. Larry Fine (remember him? The Piano Book!) has some cute examples in his book. I have accumulated my own set of eager-beaver salesmen's guffaws with respect to the pianoforte. I'm a piano store groupie and have been for years. It is amazing how many experts are out there on new, vintage used, and vintage restored pianoforte instruments when you're in the piano store shopping. Here's a sampling of some of the nonsense tossed at me in my travels to piano stores across the U.S. of A.
Tuning Pins and Pin Blocks
"Our Foofendoofl-Flipsnoofl grand never needs tuning as it has nickel cadmium coating over zinc plating on the forged steel tuning pins -- the strings never move in our 75 laminate Tibetan hollywood hardwood pin block. But you know that all Heligstani-Wolfenstani's just never hold a tune, and it just has to be their cheaper tuning pins and their inferior swamp cypress pin block."
Tuning pins are designed for two functions - to hold the string tight and not pull out or twist under string tension in the pin block. Strings as long as the tuning pins are tight (and are not subjected to extreme heat or cold) don't move.
Tuning and going in and out of tune is related to the changes in the curvature on the grand soundboard. Yes, that's right! Grand soundboards are curved. Changes in humidity cause changes in the soundboard moisture content, reflected in the extent of its curvature, hence effecting a change in tone or going out of tune. An investment grade instrument should be dehumidified and humidified depending on the season, and should be tuned for the serious musician 3 to 4 times a year. A humidity indicator near the instrument is a very handy widget! A grand piano if tuned at the beginning of the season, will probably go out of tune during the next season.
Replacing a Soundboard
"You can't replace a soundboard, it takes the soul out of the piano!"
Sure it can, by someone who knows how.
Vintage Instrument Restoration
"You can never rebuild an old piano as good as new!"
They restore vintage cars don't they?
Cracked Soundboard Repair
"You can't repair a cracked soundboard!"
You can repair a soundboard since the curvature is what's important on a grand soundboard. But a cracked iron plate is probably bad news.
Fue Fue Spruce in the Soundboard
"Heiligstani-Wolfenstani pianos are no good because they don't use fue-fue spruce grown in Outer Mongolian Swamps. Our pianos use only the finest fue-fue grown in the Mongolian swamps."
Generally speaking, spruce and the likes, grow on mountaintops, not in swamps.
Can't Buy No Furrin' Piano!
"Japanese pianos are no investment. They don't hold up to our climate. Ditto for the Germans, Austrians, and the Heligstani's."
Germans make fine makes such as Bechstein. The Bosendorfer is made in Vienna. The Fazioli is made in Italy. The Yamaha is made in Japan. These are some of the finest pianos in the world. There are others. Go play one. I have. What's even more fun is that there are other nice European instruments that are really awesome rascals, however, we Americans haven't ever heard of them.
Baldwin versus Steinway
"A Baldwin just won't hold up to a Steinway. Not comparable. Baldwins are made in Arkansas, and they just don't know how to make a good instrument down there. They use inferior actions."
Steinway & Sons came into being in the U.S. in 1853. Baldwin dates to the early 1890's with respect to actual pianoforte manufacture according to their website, but has been in piano sales since 1862. Who's kidding who? Steinway certainly has a good action. With respect to relatively new SD Baldwin concert grands and some models of the 7' grand, Baldwin has a Renner action made to its specs. Bösendorfer has a Renner action made to its specs. Bechstein has a Renner action made to its specs. Renner is the finest European action maker currently in existence. As long as both companies have been around, one would naturally assume that they are doing something right.
"Steinway Actions"
"Steinway has always had a Steinway Action, the best in the world. Renner actions are second rate! Steinway wouldn't use an inferior action!"
Humph! According to Larry Fine, Steinway used Renner actions in its pianos when it was retooling their action facility as it was outmoded. This lasted for several years from 1984 to 1992 according to Mr. Fine. I don't think Steinway would use an inferior action in its pianos. Steinway, of course, now has its facility redone, and does make its own actions again.
Retail Piano Store Tuning and Regulating a New Instrument
"We've just unpacked this baby from the crates. Doesn't it look and sound good. With Woofenstuffel factory techs we never have to prep or tune their pianos!"
If you believe that, you probably are wearing the Emperor's new clothes.
Refinishing a piano
"You can't refinish a piano like the factory. It just won't be the same."
How the heck did they get that paint on that Duesenberg and old Cadillac?
Piano Strings
"Our Burgdoofel Strings last forever. They never will need replacing!"
Depending on the expert and his views, strings will generally last about 15+- years depending on the use and abuse of the instrument. Anything that vibrates is going to wear out one of these days. An instrument that was rebuilt 20 years ago, probably could use new strings to be a better tonal instrument.
Retail Store Leader Ads
"We just advertise the cheap Gimmleywhatsit from Lower Slobobia in the papers at $999. We got one over there. What you really should buy is our special of the day, this nice new Floofenduffl with the fancy case, for only $1799, and it's an American product sold by Huffnuffle!
[As an aside, you should know that "Huffnuffle have contract with Wong-Foo-U Pianos in SE Asia on island of Wee-Foold-U to build 'em this $1,799 retail wonder at a cost of Wee-No-Tell$! And yes, Huffnuffle is an American company owned by Czechistani-Burgduffel, LTD. located in Lower Slobobia in Eastern Europe. Huffnuffle also makes the Gimmleywhatsit in their plant in Western Siberia, too, isn't that cute?]
I know, you came to see the Gimmleywhatsit because you only have $1200 to spend on a piano since you aren't sure junior really wants piano lessons. Generally speaking, in today's money, $2,000 American dollars will buy a new Chinese spinet. To get into a quality American make or quality Foreign make is going to take $3,000+- minimally without sales tax. U Get What U Pay For!
Going back to the salesmen, he should have said, "You probably need to be looking in the $3,000+- price range for a decent playing new modern instrument, whether foreign or domestic!"
Conclusion & Summary
You get the point? Use your head when buying a new or vintage piano. Remember, a reputable piano store is going to have low end price makes that they can sell. They are going to have medium price makes, as well as the high dollar items. A dealer can't afford to have 10 different Chevrolets, 10 different Cadillacs, and 10 different Rolls Royces to show you or he'd be out of business. He's going to have a few of each price structure... products he can sell to make a living.
Always Remember
One cannot buy a piano by looks. One has to touch, play, feel, and listen to the tone no matter the age of the instrument. If you get the chance to play a Seiler, Sauter, Schimmel, Steinburg...fasten your seatbelt... no speed limit on the autobahn!
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